A year report of what darkroom can do

This post is done with intent to share and spread the magic, especially with the beginners as we all born into the prison we can't smell and touch and everyone deserves an equal slight chance for freedom despite of the fact that not everyone is capable of it.

At the beginning of my path I wanted to learn magic through expanding my inventory list by studying what advanced subbreddits posting and saying and my whole entire purpose of getting into advanced subredit was to see the "secret". I have came to thousands of realizations of how wrong I was as magic cannot be taught or learned through pretending or learning about how it functions.

Everything I knew about myself, imagined, wanted, thought of, started to change or changed drastically since I have started to take practices seriously. I always thought I wanted to help people and share my expierences in the beginning of the path, but It all was just a way of looking for attention and it eventually turned out that I don't really care about people to begin with. "New me" wouldn't want to post my expierences at all, including this post, but intention rewards for true magic sharing, as long as it is without attention seeking. Iam here to test this. This is the goal of the post.

(And God damn it, this post already has a lot of "me, me, me" in it.)

I have started practices in my bathroom, where you can't even move. The first time I saw j curve map it got me so excited, that I immediately bought dark out curtains and damaged my bathroom walls to hang it. There wasn't much if not any magic at all. I was doing practices of around 25-30 minutes sitting in the dark. I was hooked by Carlos books, so I kept studying them and was harassing Juan for answers, trying to find a way through my own greatness, not following any instructions at all thinking I can do better way. (Thanks Juan for patience). Basically I was like other 70-90% of this subreddit, not doing any actual work and trying to learn magic like a book. This drastically failed.....

Somewhere between giving up and staying persistent I have been fighting a self pity in me that was complaining that nothing works and Dan hovering over sub and putting my self importance back in place led me to big inner battles. Somehow in all of this self pity I found myself doing tensegrity in the sitting form, which increased my practice to 40 minutes and has produced little dull puffs. Again self pity and doubt. How come I need to do so much work and what the hell is this kind of magic anyways? I want to get rich and use magic for my business blah blah blah was saying inner dialogue putting me into deeper self pity. This still failed.......

Somewhere between pushing myself in self pity and dying in grief of moving my poor beaten up by inner dialogue body I learned a full form of 5 reasons and bought myself a blindfold and moved to a bigger space to do full movements. I was talking to Athina and she was great help, especially in my self pity. (thank you Athina). My practice increased to 50 minutes - 1 hour. I started getting super brief little face pop ups and little more puffs. My regular dreams became bright and memorable. Self pity was still killing me, some days I would skip, sometimes I would skip a week. Overtime though I have learned to stick to practice and even added little bit parts of recap and and double practice which almost made it to 1:30hrs of daily practice. Still failed, but less miserably....

Overtime I started to take practice more siriously and at some point I realized that it's assembly point iam pushing here, therefore the deeper the better. I started striving towards 3 hour session at a time instead of having 2 shorter sessions and that's when real magic came in place and completely started to change my view on everything. My tensegrity became way more silent, beautiful and engaging and started filling up 60% of my practice. My muscles started to become solid, beautiful round shape and during the day I started to control my inner dialogue much better resulting in much much less self pity in all different kinds of situations. Almost like a bliss.

I started to get some kind of feeling of a muscle strength the size of a pinkie or perhaps of an index finger that I have never used before when trying to stop inner dialogue and that feeling is coming out of least expected place of my body. There were tons more of realizations and some of them are may be even very interesting to phsycho-mental hospital/doctors who probably conclude that iam crazy and would lock me up lol, but I won't be covering them here so new guys don't pretend. Perhaps I will cover my brightest expierences below instead. I also won't cover my in regular dream expierences as the became like a bright movie of 2-3hrs long. They happen almost every night, I get 2-3 of those movies a night, and remember them very clearly after. Sometimes I find my hands in dreams in different situations and occations and some of dreams look so real that I sometimes wonder wasn't it just different dimension and not my imagination.

Here are awake state expierences outside of darkroom isntead.

One night I woken up at 3am as usual. (I will start filling that time with laying down tensegrity) but that time it was very different. I opened my eyes and closed them trying to go back to sleep. As soon as I did I heard some hissing sound? Was that a snake or water sprinkler. I killed all talking in my head so I could to try to understand where sound is coming from and what that could be. This is where the sound litteraly dragged me into a different dimension. It felt like it was mushroom trip as my body and my awareness was stretching across miles. Everything around me turned green, it looked like it was a jungle and somehow I was inside a yellow rose? The room filled with thousands of " snake" creature sounds surronding me and everything felt great and grief free. Myself with all its bullshit didn't exist in that dimension, it was just pure perception. This beauty only lasted a minute because the inner dialogue broke the silence, but as soon as I was back, my body was very thankful like I took it to some kind of recovery program and it's new and reborn again. A though flashed through my head, all of this hardwork for 1 minute expierence like this is so worth it.

Another expierence is when my mom called me to complain that ther are no jobs and that her family is starving. I have been supporting her family for a year, but recently my business went downhill. Her family didn't work for good couple years and reached a bottom of self pity where they need someone to support them. At this time I cannot send her money anymore and told her about it and in exchange got crying self-pity complaining. As iam a man and coming from Russian culture the man supporting family is the foundation of the character. This has touched me deep in the heart, but instead of falling for self-pity I forced to turn off my inner dialogue with everything I could. I felt sharp flex somewhere below my body and it worked. There was a dark closet door open facing me where I was sitting and all of the sudden I saw purple very clear IOB's face grinning at me in the dark. I saw it just like I see it in bubbles during darkroom, but this time it took full space of the bubble and filled it with a grinning face. It instantly disappeared as my inner dialogue kicked in instantly trying to describe what it was. The fact remains it was there.

After all the expierences and progress I can say that I still failed.... but this time with less and less pity, with more control and soberity. Eventually it will all come to complete sobriety where the silence will lead my life and worries will be close to none. I feel it. Most importantly the perception will be free to expierence the true size of the world. All of this comes at titanium amount of work and iam no where close to pushing myself working at the maximum capacity. Just for all beginners who have a feeling inside but failing everyday and swimming in the river of shit of self pity daily. Don't give up, there is a freedom out there, outside of all of this shit. This is not a real life, it's just a shadow on the wall in the platos allegory of the cave. There is so much out there to live, to see, to feel and experience.

One tip to really start this journey that worked for me is realization of death. I went to graveyards and talk to death everyday asking for advise. Once you even partially realize that you are mortal, you start to resist wasting time...

Good luck

P.S (We are all living in gangster paradise ;)
https://coub.com/view/3cww2c