This lengthy post details much of what i’ve been processing as i’ve gotten deeper into my sorceric progress. it’s largely in regards to life path and impeccability, but also details some other pondering of mine.
I hope this isn’t too much or too much garbage, but it’s the truth of my current experience, as I progress as a sorcerer. for context, i’m only 17, but progressing in my own way nonetheless.
In regards to my life path, I feel conflicted with socialization in particular.
don juan said that love is really something grotesque. because no one wants to love, but everyone wants to be loved. but I feel like I want to love. I feel like i’m capable of being of service to another. I want to be of service to others in some way—I feel destined to. shedding my own selfish desires and fulfilling another’s—for mutual well-being. it’s simple—it’s just empathy—I thought everyone wanted to love too, but i’m also just generally confused about human connection in general. intimacy and socialization. gone through periods of isolation, always tended to grow on my own. It’s exhausting being alone, but it’s just as exhausting yearning for connection. a connection I realize I may now never get, as a sorcerer. yet I dream for intimacy to satiate some deep yearning inside of me—but I can’t tell where this yearning comes from, or if it will be shed as I evolve my cognition.
the flip side of this, is that I would self-isolate and instantly throw my social desires to the wind if it is necessary, or majorly beneficial to my sorceric progress. I feel very extreme in this. I know socialization is largely unavoidable, but not impossible for me to atleast work towards becoming a hermit
(self-sustainable) if that’s helpful. If I socialize a lot early on and then isolate as i’m older, I just see that as more work to do in regards to recapitulation and energetic cleansing. but if It’s not a detriment to socialize, and foster relationships, even if they aren’t fully intimate, then i’m okay with that for a period to “get by” as I evolve my “sense of self” as a being, but mainly as I evolve my cognition as a sorcerer, which must be protected above all else. but I feel like i’ll struggle to not get conditioned—as long as I can reverse it. I just want to know the ins and outs of it all, and how to go about all this. friendships, love, community, and such. I’ll shed illusions I’ll do what I have to, to live in truth and clarity. I will put in the effort to save my perception. I’ll always fight to stay out of the river of shit, is what I mean.
are we attracted to eachother like shit magnetized to other shit? because of the temporary, distractive bliss of it? is human connection really a detriment, because it keeps us in the comfort of a reality that is actually very shallow? like a a pacifier? I still want to feel good like every other being. but more than any of my desires, I wish to free my perception. I read that it’s cold outside the river of shit, which I understand. but is it always so cold? Is the price of a longer, deeper, freer life, that I am forever lonely, isolated, and dissatisfied? or is this “forever” only the length of my human life? or shorter, as I get deeper in sorcery?
I am struggling to see where this all leads, even with the freedom of perception, and that has been my primary pitfall in regards to motivation on this path.
This is also in relation to socialization as a whole. Will I forever be required to construct masks and put on performances for others? How do I preserve my freedom of perception in the face of so much counter intent? as a long term goal, i’m pondering living self-sustainably, far away from any civilization. Is this valid? worth it? necessary?
Am I addicted to humanness through intimacy? is it an indulgence? Is it just life’s splendor? Is it okay to indulge if one maintains disciplined?
This can all change with a simple shift in my perception, which is what i’m hoping to gleam from this post, or be led to in my own awareness.
Also as a note: im in the green zone but I have trouble with consistency. mental health is a struggle. I have gotten to the point of being able to interact with energy like cotton candy. see lots of bright dots, sparkles. Had “major” (by my standards) shifts in perception sensorally and cognitively. like falling/flying sensations, most I can’t describe. pretty sure i’ve witnessed IOB’s, very vague intelligences around me. I faintly hear voices, hope i’m not schizo. Made good progress with tensegrity and feeling a renewed sense of power and vitality. A lot of the changes are happening in my cognition, like I feel much freer. mind works better. lots of feelings I missed having as a child. lots of memories surfacing from youth. progress feels like crawling up a mountain, and if practice isn’t consistent, I very quickly fall. But I have achieved AP flexibility and familiarity—it all comes through muscle memory and cognition comes back with AP positions.
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(you don’t have to read on, to keep things short. this is just for further guidance)
on a more personal note: being only 17 and feeling largely confused and unformed, i’m trying my hardest to keep my balance in the midst of so much counter-intent. It’s hard not having much of a reliable future-path with my perception of reality being shattered every now and again.
there’s much more I’d appreciate guidance on in all respects. i’m so inexperienced just as a living being. It’s really my primary concern to have some sense of a plan, because I feel particularly vulnerable as a human being in general. Largely in regards to my physical and mental health. but particularly my sorceric nature.
This is just what has been honestly impeding a lot of progress recently, as it sucks me in, I get confused, and my motivation takes a hit. I also struggle to not let the world drive me mad.
thank you for reading, and I have much more to share if welcome. I apolgize for any pain in reading this—I’m quite mentally unwell at the moment, if you couldn’t already tell. I think a lot of this just has nowhere to go.
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