Hello everyone. I am in a big problem. I just have to end the relationship (it is my first one and we've been together for a bit more than 2 years) with a person to whom I gave all my trust, for whom I've done many things to be together and canceled all my previous life plans and connections to dedicate myself to this person.
But right now it turns out I've been fed many lies and it is all going down. I had a mental breakdown on this right when she got back after a party with her friends at 4 AM (she told me that she was going to meet her friend), and cause of pain (I also have Borderline Personality Disorder) I lost control and started to break everything in the house. Right before it I was all alone in the house, writing to her messages but never got responded and when she came back she didn't care much about anything, me nor her lovely dog and went to sleep (without giving pills to her ill dog, although today she tried to manipulate me with this thing that I don't love her pets because I didn't wake up early to give her dog a pill). I was angry when she got back because I felt betrayed, I asked for her phone to see the messages but she refused (and it is not something normal for us, because I always let her see my phone and show her everything that people write me). Eventually I got the phone and seen the messages and it turns out she told me that she was going to meet one friend but before she met her she met with her other friends in this bar and one of those chicks seem to have some sexual ties with my girlfriend from the past). She was a lesbian whole life and I am a man so it was really rare that she could fell in love with me back then (I am 25 now and she is turning 42 this month). And last message to her friend with whom she was going to meet was "Don't talk to me about [my name] 😅". So I got out of control, broke her phone, accused her of betrayal and in one hour I just couldn't bear the pain and started breaking everything and I broke glass. I started bleeding pretty heavily (not so fatal but still the blood was streaming strongly) and I started to ask her for help while I was spraying the blood all over, I asked her to ask neighbors to help me with this and she went to that neighbor (he seems to be the person from that company as well of her dear friends and they met in the bar this time as well). The neighbor came and they were looking at me without doing anything, I was asking their help but was ignored completely and I kept bleeding. I went to find something to clamp my hand and when I came back they were just gone. I went to other neighbors to ask for help but nobody didn't respond to me. Note that I am a foreigner in the country where I am and I don't know anybody here, only her. Then came the police and I let them in, they saw what I did and asked me if I've done this to myself (pointing to my hand) and I said yes and they asked to me pack my things and go away. I packed my things and went on the street, but I dropped my baggage on the road, because it was dangerous go with it because it attracts too much attention since it is difficult with crimes here in South America. I didn't have money, my phone had 1% and I didn't have charger. I went to hospital where they sewed my injuries and after I decided to come back because I really didn't have to go anywhere. I got into house and she didn't really want that of course, I was calm but still couldn't stop myself from telling her everything that I was thinking of her. Eventually I just got sleep and the lies continued till the next day (you know the feeling when something doesn´t coincises with what you were told by the same person). When I woke up after 4 hours I felt really bad and was crying and she told me that she is going out and asked me if I need something that she could buy) and then she was gone until the next day...
The feelings are so strong and I am too sensible to bear it all everything. I was thinking about our life together all the time and you know it hurts too much. Right now I only need to move on and leave this country for good and forever but the thoughts are haunting. I was thinking about recapitulating our relationship and started to remember how we were good together and how we were close to each other when we did things together and I just cry, I can't believe that it is over and like this, she was the person from whom I couldn't expect such things). We were trying to practice Castaneda practics but last year we completely dropped this and only were thinking about it and some times we were doing tensegrity (maybe 1.5 years ago we were more serious with this stuff and were doing tensegrity daily but since I don't have much and have to work, I had to dedicate my time to learning programming and machine learning to get somewhere in life (previously I wanted to be musician but my plans changed for her). So thinking about all this time together only brings pain and makes me want to cry, I wonder what I should do with this from perspective of this practice to cope with everything.
16 Comments
Well, the life only got worse for both of us, we got many debts, my previous source of income started to fail. I had mental breakdowns previously with her and I got many things broken cause of that (my own stuff such as camera, microphone, phone, audiocard etc. and the house stuff such as windows, table, plates etc.). 10 months ago I went to my homeland for two moths, we had many complexities as well but I got back (and she bought me a ticket btw) because it looked like we couldn't live without each other.
The major part of this text is what I went through but if you read the last paragraph, you can see where it is leading to.
Dude, I mean this in the nicest way possible but go to a mental health subreddit if you really need to talk to some random strangers online about your problems. I’m not trying to be cruel to you, I think that’s what you need more than coming to this sub to learn about sorcery.
I preferred talking here because this is the only subreddit that I read and I care about practice and I am trying to find solutions based on it. I am definetily not a warrior but I just remembered one thing from the book (don't remember which one) where Don Juan said to Carlos that when the warrior feels the difficulty of his life, he can tell it to other person.
why I did this when I didn't know much about Castaneda works and only heard some chapters in audiobooks but I had a feeling that this musical work somehow was related with Castaneda stuff...
Sure, from the perspective of this practice, there is no need to necessarily split up. She makes a perfectly suitable petty tyrant (and you are absolutely one to her as well). If you haven't changed your mind about "sorcery being impossible to learn", giving you advice is largely pointless.
If you aren't prepared to give everything to sorcery, then sure, it sounds like you should leave.
Even though I referred to sorcery as something being impossible to learn, I didn't drop the idea and still trying to silence my dialogue and trying a bit of gazing every time I can remember it. The night that happened what I just wrote here I was doing magical passes as well (I only learned two first series from this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-eZuNWyx00)
Then dive into every aspect of the practice to the fullest. When I was in exam season I did the following: necessary life tasks, studying, gazing. I did nothing else, no online entertainment.
Close to 6 hours of gazing daily.
If you have no other option then you’ll manage it.
The difficulty kicked in when I realized I won't have resources for my existence, I started making projects (practicing programming) and studying daily to be sure that I will do something good for my living, no online entertainment as well. When I was very serious about the practice, I cut off many things (which is not even suggested by Don Juan) but I felt like it was necessity as well.
And anyways it failed...
As long as your only option out of your misery is sorcery, you'll practice.
You keep talking about "impossible to learn" "it failed", that's all your personal feelings on the matter and doesn't have anything to do with sorcery.
You're not a leaf on the wind, so stop acting like one.
"As for petty tyrant, I just wish that it could be someone else and not the person to whom you have strong feelings..."
How do you expect to control detachment and move your assemblage point without needing to detach? You just want it easy and handed to you on a plate, right?
a very kind response.
I had difficult emotional moments this year and I can attest Recapitulation does absolute wonder, just do it and you’ll regain most of your energy from the situation.
That’s what I did when we had an argument where she didn’t respect me at all, after the event I was constantly thinking about it and bothered until I decided to recapitulate.
Assemblage point moved to the place where you don’t feel sorry for yourself and after that I didn’t care anymore about the event, only a few bothering thoughts remained.
Just try it and see for yourself
Do you seriously think this is a good place to share all that personal juice?
With no connection to sorcery whatsoever?
Even ChatGPT could give you better and more private advice.
I hope you are good but we can't allow this type of content.
I hope posting this here was helpful for you and the commenters intention to help you, each on their own way. You are facing a difficult situation and I understand that having BPD makes everything way harder in your life. I don't know what you were looking from us here since we are here I will add that from sorcerery pov you have to learn to silence your mind and do recap. From my personal pov you must start therapy to learn to self regulate and not let your thoughts and emotions control you, so you can get through things smoother, have a better quality of life and better relationships.
Lastly I have to remind everyone that this place is for sorcery practice content only and if we let it go astray we will lose everything. So everyone keep it this in mind next time you want to post.