Quagmire Playpen

It seems like I’m getting better at getting my AP to the red zone, at least for now. I’ve been practicing daily this week, but I don’t remember much from before the last three days. Need to make sure I’m not neglecting recap too much!

Three days ago, I was gazing with my eyes closed, watched the purple/magenta puffs appear, then suddenly realized I had blanked out or fallen asleep and was in a dream, which sort of let me “jump” or “fall” out of it backwards as it became a picture/video in front of me, and instantly I noticed another one next to it that sucked me in as soon as I focused on it, then totally fell asleep. I woke up later not remembering either of the dreams but I remembered the experience.

The next two days I practiced darkroom gazing + tensegrity a lot, really trying to focus on making my silence deeper.

Lately, I put on my goggles and from the total blackness first emerges a color like a mix of cadmium and magenta, usually from above like a sunset horizon, and the details of ground and walls will emerge.

Yesterday, the floor became a rounded mess of black tubes and cables, reminding me of some engineering room on a spaceship. I squatted down to look at it and could see the ridges and lines on the wires and tubes.

The red sky/horizon often keeps morphing into a primarily magenta and black color that starts swirling and “dancing” around as a puff that grows, shrinks, splits, recombines, and flies up to me and away from me.

There were these mixtures of ever-changing features on it that will look briefly like an animal or a face, but constantly changing.

Yesterday after playing around with it for a while, it flew away from me to my left and grew into a giant owl or Totoro-looking creature.

I’ve been practicing playing with it more, seeing how I can manipulate it with my hands and with my gaze. If I gaze at it, it often will start to become a shiny white-ish amorphous-looking 3D object that has more and more details the longer I gaze at it, like there is a hole or tunnel in it that I start peering through.

As has been the case throughout the years practicing, music will sometimes start to play, and if I dance to it or do tensegrity in rhythm with it, it will get louder, and the magenta will grow to cover my whole view no matter where I look. Sometimes it will start as a little dancing cloud partner!

Yesterday I even “cheated” like I had in older sessions where I listened to a little bit of music through my noise-cancelling headphones, for long enough to just have some silly fun letting my body move itself around like a ragdoll or marionette, super energized and happy-feeling.

I think I was in an IOB world, because I wondered it when looking at the walls of the magenta-colored space and noticing that it was covered in what looked like the outlines of faces all over it. Something seemed to answer that brief thought in my mind by saying something like “Yes! Isn’t it wonderful?”

While I was enjoying playing in that space yesterday, I wanted to keep focusing on moving my AP further by deepening my silence. Most of my practice the past two years has been about just having fun with whatever happens, not really caring too much to be serious about moving the AP further and further. I’ve gotten a variety of experiences, so that’s probably why I wasn’t being too driven to push them further.

Like the day before, yesterday I was trying to look at the whole wall-like surface of the space around me all at once, not focusing on any particular morphing feature or detail on it, and trying to look and see what was past it. The prior day, the inside of a teepee appeared beyond it, with a TV set on the ground emitting a green-ish glow. I had walked into it when, what I presume was the IOB I was playing with said something like, “why don’t you sit down and watch some TV”, but my session was interrupted by my cat just as I was starting to watch.

When I tried looking past the wall-like surface yesterday, my vision filled with black, then white, and odd mixtures of them. It’s hard to explain the feeling, but my hands and fingertips felt like there were cobwebs or something light and sticky and stringy on them, and my face and body felt like it was separating or pulling forward, like a mask or shell either coming off or being placed on my body, from the front.

I was trying so hard to focus on keeping all the words and images and music out of my mind that I sort of blanked out, and forgot where I was and what I was doing, while various super brief visions or partial visions would appear in different directions, like a little car driving by and looking into a bakery. It was extra weird and incomprehensible, and difficult to remember now. What I can remember is proving too difficult to describe for chatGPT to make an accurate enough image of, so I will have to come up with another method of depicting things like this, if they continue to happen.

Yesterday, I had three separate sessions, so in between each one I would try to hold onto the silence I’d managed during them. Back in daylight, my vision was mostly then fractured and doubled (or more), like I had double vision multiplied and at different angles, with sparkling points and black dots all through the air at different depths across my whole field of vision. At a couple points, I sat and gazed briefly at the wall in front of me, and purple or magenta puffs started to appear and combine.